Note: This is satire, not real news.

The indispensable Tominthebox News Network brings word that Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams has issued an official apology to Achan, son of Carmi, son of Zabdi, son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah.

Full background information is posted at Joshua, chapter 7. Here is TBNN’s report.

Anglican Church Plans to Apologizes to Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah

Canterbury, England – The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowen [sic] Williams officially announced today that the Anglican Church would be issuing a posthumous apology on behalf of “all Christians everywhere” to the Biblical character of Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah. As the story goes from Joshua chapter 7, Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah sinned when Israel entered and conquered Jericho by taking some of the “accursed things” that God had “devoted to destruction.” When Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah was discovered he, his entire family and all his possessions were stoned and burned.

“We really feel like he got too hard of a punishment,” commented Williams. “Who among us hasn’t been tempted to steal at one point and time or another. Sure, he deserved to be punished in some way for what he did, but I don’t think stoning him and his family was the right thing to do; it was rather extreme in my opinion. Joshua and Israel could have used a bit more discretion.”

TBNN was able to obtain a portion of the statement which reads,

“Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah: Several thousand years after your death, the Church of England on behalf of all Christians everywhere owes you an apology for misunderstanding you and, by getting our first reaction wrong, encouraging others to misunderstand you still, and for stoning and burning you and your whole family. We try to practise the old virtues of ‘faith seeking understanding’ and hope that makes some amends for depicting you as a sinner all of these years. We know that the God of the New Testament would not have done such a thing to you.”

In related news, TBNN tells the story of Bobby Tines, a young Southern Baptist boy who, despite his best efforts at memorising Scripture verses, invariably came dead last in Bible Drill competitions. When Bobby grew up, he married a devout Episcopalian and joined her church. Long time members of his new Episcopalian congregation considered him a “Biblical scholar” because he “not only seemed to know where most passages were, but also had obviously memorized some of the lines in the vast collection of 66 books.”

So, Peter, is that what you had in mind?